Sometimes the paths that we expect to be linear turn out to be more like spirals that turn back over and around themselves. I say "spirals" hoping that it they will turn out to be more than circles, hoping that my feet are not simply trodding back over footprints that I expected to be faded and far behind me by now. Instead, I am back where I started, back where I didn't expect to be. Staring at the sky, wondering if it is really blue at all. Examining every inhalation for substance, testing every exhalation for warmth.
My first major crisis of faith came about 10 years ago as an undergraduate. It was partially to be expected of someone my age, though my crisis was certainly fed by the fact that my father, a minister for many years, had also lost his faith and left to see what his life would look like without God in it. So I spent the next four years wrestling with my own hang-ups, doubts, and bitterness until I was finally able to come out of the process with something that felt more authentically mine and meaningful. The process was genuinely excruciating.
I have always envied the kind of people that are able to simply accept or reject metaphysical matters without much thought. There were a lot of people in college that, about half-way through their sophomore year, decided: "Naw. I don't think I believe this anymore" and never really looked back. Conversely, there are churches filled with people who believe what they are told without a second thought or doubt. There have been times that I have tried to survive off simple faith replacing understanding, but have never been able to survive that way for long. I have always had to find ways of reconciling my heart and my mind... and I have... which is why it is so strange and frustrating to wake up one morning to find that the last five years of relative spiritual peace have vanished without a trace or warning.
You would think that my previous victories would have left me with at least a few things to hold on to, but I am surprisingly back at square one in terms of metaphysical conclusions. It is odd, because I can -intellectually- remember the ontological and epistemological conclusions that came to me at different stages of my life, but for once they don't provide the comfort that they once did. I can even remember the times and places in which those "eureka" moments occurred, but they seem as flat and lifeless as polaroids. And so, I am back here again, trying to find some sort of solace in writing and friendship. Damn, but the doubter's habit is a hard one to kick.
My first major crisis of faith came about 10 years ago as an undergraduate. It was partially to be expected of someone my age, though my crisis was certainly fed by the fact that my father, a minister for many years, had also lost his faith and left to see what his life would look like without God in it. So I spent the next four years wrestling with my own hang-ups, doubts, and bitterness until I was finally able to come out of the process with something that felt more authentically mine and meaningful. The process was genuinely excruciating.
I have always envied the kind of people that are able to simply accept or reject metaphysical matters without much thought. There were a lot of people in college that, about half-way through their sophomore year, decided: "Naw. I don't think I believe this anymore" and never really looked back. Conversely, there are churches filled with people who believe what they are told without a second thought or doubt. There have been times that I have tried to survive off simple faith replacing understanding, but have never been able to survive that way for long. I have always had to find ways of reconciling my heart and my mind... and I have... which is why it is so strange and frustrating to wake up one morning to find that the last five years of relative spiritual peace have vanished without a trace or warning.
You would think that my previous victories would have left me with at least a few things to hold on to, but I am surprisingly back at square one in terms of metaphysical conclusions. It is odd, because I can -intellectually- remember the ontological and epistemological conclusions that came to me at different stages of my life, but for once they don't provide the comfort that they once did. I can even remember the times and places in which those "eureka" moments occurred, but they seem as flat and lifeless as polaroids. And so, I am back here again, trying to find some sort of solace in writing and friendship. Damn, but the doubter's habit is a hard one to kick.
5 comments:
Doubting is a frustrating yet healthy habit. I loved the spiral metaphor.
Anselm called it "faith seeking understanding" (fides quaerens intellectum), or Augustine's crede unt intelligas (believe so that you may understand).
I was thinking the other day that you should get into some of the church fathers, like Anselm and Augustus. Sometimes I think that some of the biggest doubters just need bigger doubters and more serious theology to deal with those doubts. Anselm is an interesting place to start, I could give some recommendations.
Ryan, thanks for sharing and for your honesty. I believe that as long as you keep it real (like you always do) you'll be fine. But we're here with you along the way.
My friends are the best.
Ryan, I applaud you for continuing to be genuine in your search and struggle for understanding. There are many, many people out there who simply have a hand-me-down faith or a knee-jerk abandonment of the faith of their parents. It is a very challenging thing to forge your own spiritual identity.
While my spiritual life has taken me away from the Church, I will say, it has been far and away more rewarding and authentic than anything I ever experienced in my years as a Christian. And, I still have to struggle, day in and out with my faith. I find myself reverting to old beliefs or questioning new conclusions. While it is frustrating and unsettling, I try to remember it is a sign of continued growth and depth. It may FEEL as though you are back at the beginning, I assure you, you have made progress along your path. Continue forward!
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