Hello? Is anybody there?

Before I begin: I just want to let any readers know that I am not expecting, or even wanting, answers to the questions and doubts I express in my blog posts. The fact that I can pose them, express myself, and be received by a loving community of readers is, in itself, comforting and helpful. What I certainly don't want is someone starting a debate, but if you know me then you know I am not likely to respond to that anyway. Comments, thoughts, and personal suggestions are always welcome, but please don't feel like you need to "solve" anything.


One of the things that seems different about my current spiritual low point in my difficulty giving voice to my prayers. My words seem to catch in my throat, slowed and finally silenced by how absurd the exercise feels.

This is different than during my crisis ten years ago (I'm sorry if I keep referencing my collegiate crisis, but it was the biggest one I had ever experienced up to now, and therefore the one against which all other crises are measured). During my sophomore year, I would end up angry and yelling at whatever was up there, but my very oaths were prayers in their own way, an affirmation that there was something to be mad at. There were times of silence, but were usually a product of my anger, a silent treatment, or they were an act of pragmatism... "I probably shouldn't keep praying if I am not really sure if I believe in much of anything anymore"... despite my urges to keep railing against the almighty.

I would give anything to feel that anger towards God now, because right now I feel nothing towards him. I mean, there is nothing to feel anger towards. A simple conversation, or petition seems silly. If you were to raise your petitions to the sun or the moon, you would understand a bit of how I feel right now. Sure you could say some words, but half way through you would probably laugh and shake your head.

The times when prayer does seem to evoke some sort of emotional reaction from me, it is frustration at how pointless the whole thing seems when I am so unsure of what I believe in. How does one pray when you don't believe in God? That is also another difference this time around. This is the first time that the actual existence of a god seems to be so much in question. The existence of anything spiritual or transcendent seems farther than ever.

The first time I had a major crisis, it was the fact that man can perceive beauty and can find it in odd places compelled me to believe that there was something more to us than organic processes. From there somehow "beauty" led me to "soul," which led me to "spirituality," which led me to "God" which -eventually- led me to "Christianity." Oddly, that line of reasoning seems less compelling now, though I couldn't really say why.

Throughout all my doubts and as the years have passed, I have had plenty of doubts about certain theological ideas, but my faith in the idea that there is more to the universe than science. I could never really shake the a belief in a higher power of sorts and humans always seemed special. In fact, I was always flummoxed by the fact that someone could look around and truly believe that we were no more than advanced animals. However, lately, and for the first time, I can't help but look around and see a city like an organism, an anthill. To wake up and think of myself as just another piece in the evolutionary scheme.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that science doesn't demand a fair amount of "faith" and that it doesn't leave a lot of unanswered questions either. All I'm saying is that the certainty that I once held in certain regards seems... less certain. For what seems to be the first time in my life, or at least one of the very few, I find myself doubting the existence even of a god at all.